Out now! Nightside : Tales of Outre Noir

Nightside: Tales of Outre Noir is a collection of stories that hash together the Bizzare and the Noir. With authors who are on top of their game, this book is filled with tense prose and horrifying scenes that lovers of dark fiction will appreciate.

There are screenplays mixing Lovecraftian horror and Biblical tales, and stories of detectives solving gruesome murders. It’s a sub-genre cocktail, shaken and shared with murderous crazies that could very well be your friends or family members.

Edited by Mark Slade, it includes my Roman Dalton yarn, Drunk On The Moon.

Supernatural Noir is now only 79p!

My horror/noir short story collection Supernatural Noir is now only 79p for the eBook!

Werewolves, vampires and other creatures of the night prowl the neon and blood soaked streets in this sharp short story collection that places the supernatural in a hardboiled noir world.

You can grab it from Amazon.com, Amazon.co.uk and any other Amazon, except the river.

A Story For Sunday: Stamp Of A Vamp

    Alison Day was a mousy woman who had barely been scuffed by the wear and tear of life until the day she met Lulu, the effect of which was like lightning hitting a plane. The Autumn night draped itself over the city, and the moon bit into the sky as Alison rushed home from her usual Wednesday evening yoga class. She felt edgy and fumbled for her keys as she heard the click, click, click of high heels on the wet pavement. She turned. On the corner of the street, beneath a blinking street lamp, a woman was smoking a cigarette. Her silhouette seemed to appear and disappear like warm breath on a cold window pane.

The woman was tall and, like Alison, in her early thirties with wan looking skin, a slash of red lipstick across her full lips and her black hair cut into a Louise Brooks bob. She was wearing a red PVC raincoat and shiny black stiletto heels and Alison suddenly felt very dowdy with her green cagoule, Gap jeans and mousy, unkempt hair.

The woman slowly sauntered towards Alison-and in a muddy foreign accent, said:

‘Keep looking at people like that and you’ll be in for a good tongue lashing.’

And then she collapsed in heap at Alison’s’ feet.

* * *

    ‘Would you like a cup of tea?” said Alison, “I have …’
    ‘Something stronger, maybe?’ purred the woman as she sat up from the sofa.
    Alison rummaged in a cupboard and found an unopened bottle of absinthe.
    ‘How about this?’ she said.
    The woman smiled and lit a Gauloises cigarette.
    ‘My name is Lulu,’ she said, filling two shot glasses with absinthe. ‘Drink with me, eh?’
    As the night hurtled on, Alison got drunk and in the process told Lulu her life story, such as it was. Lulu seemed fascinated by Alison’s idyllic, picture postcard childhood in Yorkshire and her job at Bermondsey Library. Lulu revealed little about herself, however, except that she had come from Bucharest shortly before the revolution and that she was married to a nightclub owner called Nicholas.
    ‘You know,’ said Alison ‘ I hardly ever drink. My friends say that I can get drunk on the sniff of a barmaids apron.’ She giggled.
    ‘This is the first time I’ve drunk absinthe.’
    ‘Makes the heart grow fonder,’ said Lulu, licking the rim of the glass and holding Alison’s gaze.
    At some point during the night Alison woke up in bed, in a cold sweat, with no recollection of getting there. Lulu, naked, was smoking and gazing out of the bedroom window. The tip of her cigarette glowed bright red and then faded to black.

***

    In the morning, as slivers of sun sliced through the blinds, Alison awoke and saw that Lulu was gone. Memories of the night before fizzed like champagne bubbles as, on the bed, she saw a business card for Vamps Gentleman’s Club in Shoreditch. Written in red lipstick, was a phone number.

***

Vamps was suffocating in black leather and red velvet. It was cluttered with noisy groups of brash City Boys and semi-naked young women who wandered around with beer glasses full of money. The DJ played ‘Goldfinger’ as a statuesque blond, wearing only a pair of angels’ wings, crawled up and down a glistening pole.

Alison sat on a large black sofa next to Lulu, who was dressed in a red leather nun’s habit with a gold pentagram dangling from a chain around her neck. Tearing the label from her beer bottle she moved in close to hear Lulu speak.

‘I suppose marriage to Nicholas was a marriage of convenience.’ Lulu said. ‘I wanted to stay legally in England and he wanted…well, a pet. He promised me a job in a West End nightclub and I ended up here. But the worse thing is, he makes me have sex with other dancers. His business partners.’

She downed her drink in one.

‘Can’t you leave him?’ said Alison, red faced.

‘If I leave him, I’ll be deported and that will be that’, she said. Alison blanched.

As Autumn trudged on into Winter, Alison and Lulu’s meetings became more frequent and murderous thoughts hovered over them like a hawk ready to strike its prey until one night Lulu eventually said, ‘Okay. Let’s kill him.’

***

‘You see, ninety nine percent of the human race are just here to make up the numbers,’ said Nicholas, in a voice stained with nicotine and brimmed with brandy. He was an elegant, handsome man in his sixties. He indifferently smoked a large cigar, the smoke rings floating above his head like a halo or a crown of thorns.

‘They’re just cannon fodder. Don’t you agree?’

Alison couldn’t agree or disagree. She couldn’t say a thing and she couldn’t move.
    The plan had been simple enough. She was to go to Vamps on New Years Eve and ask about work as dancer. When the place closed she’d accept Nicholas’s inevitable invitation to go to his office for a night cap with him and Lulu. They were to poison him and dump his body in the Thames along with the drunks who tottered into the river’s dank and dirty water at this time of year.

But after the first couple of drinks she realised that she was paralysed. In the oak and leather armchair she was like an insect trapped in amber. The clock struck twelve and the room was lit up by exploding fireworks. Lulu and Nicholas’ eyes glowed bright red and then faded to black.

‘Happy New Year, my sweet ,’ said Lulu. ‘I hope you like your present.’

‘I’m sure I will, darling ‘, said Nicholas, ‘I know how difficult it is to find fresh meat in these decadent times’. He chuckled and seemed to float from his chair.

As Nicholas sank his fangs deep into her neck, Alison felt pain greater than she had ever  felt before. She wanted to cry, to scream, to tear herself apart but she could do nothing except listen to the sound of fireworks and Lulu’s cruel, cruel laughter.

SUPERNATURAL NOIR BY PAUL D. BRAZILL

HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEEN!

It’s Halloween – or Samhain to you old timers  – and accordingly there are a few bite-size Halloween tales over at PUNK NOIR MAGAZINE. K A LAITY givs us NUMBER 13: A NOIR GHOST STORY, SEBNEM E.SANDERS presents THE MUSE, and FRANK WESTWORTH gives us a PORK PIE HAT.

Meanwhile, over at MURDER, MAYHEM & MORE, I have my own Halloween yarn, THE LIBERATOR.

Have a little gander, if you’re that way inclined!

supernaturalnoir paperbacks

Recommended Read: White Rabbit by K A Laity

K A Laity’s White Rabbit is a marvelous and potent cocktail of crime fiction, screwball comedy and the supernatural. A cracking yarn choc full of brilliant lines that reminds you of Wodehouse, Preston Sturges and the Coen Brothers and yet is like nothing you’ve ever read before. Fantastic stuff. More please!

white rabbit

Supernatural Noir A Go Go!

Supernatural NoirWell, Supernatural Noir was published a couple of days ago on Halloween and it’s all happening!

Graham Wynd kicks off #Noirvember with a look at Supernatural Noir and says:

‘I didn’t even know how much I missed Roman Dalton, his werewolf detective, until I started reading through the stories again. Netflix ought to swoop in and bag those stories for a new series.’

Meanwhile, over at Unlawful Acts, David Nemeth says:

‘If you like reading Brazill–and who doesn’t–, you should give this short story collection a twirl because it’s Brazill and there are zombies. Oh yeah, get it because it’s going for a little over a buck.’

Dee Arr at Amazon.com says:

‘This is crime noir with a bite (my apologies to all vampire and werewolf fans), and the combination of Mr. Brazill’s talents hooked me. Riveted, I finished the rest of the book in one sitting, never noticing the day arrive while my coffee grew colder.’

And I’m over at Toe Six Press sharing the Supernatural Noir playlist:

Supernatural Noir is collection of my short stories that I consider to be both supernatural and, er, noir. And of course, there’s music all over the place!

Drunk On The Moon by Tom Waits

It started with a song. Tom Waits’ Drunk On The Moon, to be precise. A neon soaked torch song with more than a twist of noir. A song of the city at night, sung by a man who sounded like a wolf- and not just Howlin’ Wolf. And once upon a time, there was a magazine named Dark Valentine who were looking for cross genre short stories. So, I wrote a yarn about a werewolf private eye. And I called it Drunk On The Moon.’

Read the rest here.

 

Supernatural Noir is OUT NOW!

Supernatural Noir

Werewolves, vampires and other creatures of the night prowl the neon and blood soaked streets in this sharp short story collection that places the supernatural in a hardboiled noir world.

“If you like noir then you’ll love this. If you like supernatural fiction you’ll love this. If you like great descriptive prose you’ll love this.”

— Darren Sant, author of Tales From The Longcroft Estate

You can grab Supernatural Noir from Amazon.com, Amazon UK and loads of other joints.

Halloween Flash: The Stamp Of A Vamp

Alison Day was a mousy woman who had barely been scuffed by the wear and tear of life until the day she met Lulu, the effect of which was like lightning hitting a plane. The Autumn night draped itself over the city, and the moon bit into the sky as Alison rushed home from her usual Wednesday evening yoga class. She felt edgy and fumbled for her keys as she heard the click, click, click of high heels on the wet pavement. She turned. On the corner of the street, beneath a blinking street lamp, a woman was smoking a cigarette. Her silhouette seemed to appear and disappear like warm breath on a cold window pane.

The woman was tall and, like Alison, in her early thirties with wan looking skin, a slash of red lipstick across her full lips and her black hair cut into a Louise Brooks bob. She was wearing a red PVC raincoat and shiny black stiletto heels and Alison suddenly felt very dowdy with her green cagoule, Gap jeans and mousy, unkempt hair.

The woman slowly sauntered towards Alison-and in a muddy foreign accent, said:

‘Keep looking at people like that and you’ll be in for a good tongue lashing.’

And then she collapsed in heap at Alison’s’ feet.

* * *

‘Would you like a cup of tea?” said Alison, “I have …’
‘Something stronger, maybe?’ purred the woman as she sat up from the sofa.
Alison rummaged in a cupboard and found an unopened bottle of absinthe.
‘How about this?’ she said.
The woman smiled and lit a Gauloises cigarette.
‘My name is Lulu,’ she said, filling two shot glasses with absinthe. ‘Drink with me, eh?’
As the night hurtled on, Alison got drunk and in the process told Lulu her life story, such as it was. Lulu seemed fascinated by Alison’s idyllic, picture postcard childhood in Yorkshire and her job at Bermondsey Library. Lulu revealed little about herself, however, except that she had come from Bucharest shortly before the revolution and that she was married to a nightclub owner called Nicholas.

‘You know,’ said Alison ‘I hardly ever drink. My friends say that I can get drunk on the sniff of a barmaid’s apron.’ She giggled. ‘This is the first time I’ve drunk absinthe.’

‘They say it makes the heart grow fonder,’ said Lulu, licking the rim of the glass and holding Alison’s gaze.

***
At some point during the night Alison woke up in bed, in a cold sweat, with no recollection of getting there. Lulu, naked, was smoking and gazing out of the bedroom window. The tip of her cigarette glowed bright red and then faded to black.

***

In the morning, as slivers of sun sliced through the blinds, Alison awoke and saw that Lulu was gone. Memories of the night before fizzed like champagne bubbles as, on the bed, she saw a business card for Vamps Gentleman’s Club in Shoreditch. Written in red lipstick, was a phone number.

***

Vamps was suffocating in black leather and red velvet. It was cluttered with noisy groups of brash City Boys and semi-naked young women who wandered around with beer glasses full of money. The DJ played ‘Goldfinger’ as a statuesque blond, wearing only a pair of angels’ wings, crawled up and down a glistening pole.

Alison sat on a large black sofa next to Lulu, who was dressed in a red leather nun’s habit with a gold pentagram dangling from a chain around her neck. Tearing the label from her beer bottle she moved in close to hear Lulu speak.

‘I suppose marriage to Nicholas was a marriage of convenience.’ Lulu said. ‘I wanted to stay legally in England and he wanted…well, a pet. He promised me a job in a West End nightclub and I ended up here. But the worse thing is, he makes me have sex with other dancers. His business partners.’

She downed her drink in one.

‘Can’t you leave him?’ said Alison, red faced.

‘If I leave him, I’ll be deported and that will be that’, she said. Alison blanched.

As Autumn trudged on into Winter, Alison and Lulu’s meetings became more frequent and murderous thoughts hovered over them like a hawk ready to strike its prey until one night Lulu eventually said, ‘Okay. Let’s kill him.’

***

‘You see, ninety nine percent of the human race are just here to make up the numbers,’ said Nicholas, in a voice stained with nicotine and brimmed with brandy. He was an elegant, handsome man in his sixties. He indifferently smoked a large cigar, the smoke rings floating above his head like a halo or a crown of thorns.

‘They’re just cannon fodder. Don’t you agree?’

Alison couldn’t agree or disagree. She couldn’t say a thing and she couldn’t move.
The plan had been simple enough. She was to go to Vamps on New Years Eve and ask about work as dancer. When the place closed she’d accept Nicholas’s inevitable invitation to go to his office for a night cap with him and Lulu. They were to poison him and dump his body in the Thames along with the drunks who tottered into the river’s dank and dirty water at this time of year.

But after the first couple of drinks she realised that she was paralysed. In the oak and leather armchair she was like an insect trapped in amber. The clock struck twelve and the room was lit up by exploding fireworks. Lulu and Nicholas’ eyes glowed bright red and then faded to black.

‘Happy New Year, my sweet,’ said Lulu. ‘I hope you like your present.’

‘I’m sure I will, darling,’ said Nicholas, ‘I know how difficult it is to find fresh meat in these decadent times’. He chuckled and seemed to float from his chair.

As Nicholas sank his fangs deep into her neck, Alison felt pain greater than she had ever felt before. She wanted to cry, to scream, to tear herself apart but she could do nothing except listen to the sound of fireworks and Lulu’s cruel, cruel laughter.

(c) Paul D. Brazill

#FRIDAY FLASH: THE BRAIN SALAD MURDERS

The search was invariably fruitless.

            The path was cluttered with the debris of the past.

            The parade of childhood humiliations always led him down blind alleys.

            Religion and psychoanalysis failed.

            Rationalism was but a damp squib.

            Travel to foreign lands yielded nothing but more sores to scratch.

            Satiation, indulgence, rather than healing his scars, only lacerated him more.

            And then a chance encounter in a snow-smothered car park, as the night creaked into morning, brought a flash of anger.

            The slash of a knife.

            And release.

            For a time.

            Until the scars slowly returned.

            And he killed again.

            And again.

            ***

Another long hot summer had cast dark, elongated shadows that smothered The City’s pitch black secrets. As the sweltering, hazy days stretched out to snapping point, those secrets were jolted into the glare of light.

At times like these, being a private eye, especially a werewolf private eye, could take its toll. Which is why the womb of Duffy’s Bar was always so comforting.

“ The Professor’ss back,” I said to Duffy, who was clearing up the previous night’s debris.

I sipped a shot of Dark Valentine, rubbed my tired, red eyes. I ached for sleep.

I ached from the previous night’s prowl, too. I’d had a scuffle with Brother Cage, the leader of one of the many crackpot religions that were infecting The City. I’d managed to take out a few of his henchmen before ripping him to shreds, but they’d got in a few good shots themselves.

Duffy stopped mopping the beer and bloodstained floor. Leaned the mop against the bar.

“You sure?” he said. He scratched his acne-scarred face.

I grunted.

“Oh, yes. It’s him. Unless there’s a copycat killer. But according to Ivan, six corpses have been found with the brains scooped out. Presumably eaten by the killer,” I said.

Detective Ivan Walker was my former partner. Back in the days before I’d been afflicted by full moon fever.

“All rich old men between the ages of seventy-five and eighty?” said Duffy.

“Yep. They fit The Professor’s MO, alright. The only difference is that these guys had been ripped to shreds first.”

Duffy slammed a heavy fist against the side of the Wurlitzer jukebox. Stepped back behind the bar. Poured himself a shot of Dark Valentine.

Knocked it back. Poured another. A Julie London song about black coffee oozed through the room.

“How long is it since he went AWOL?” said Duffy, as he looked up at the plasma television screen that he’d recently installed in an attempt to bring in new customers.

An attempt that had pretty much failed.

Apart from me, the only other customer was a thick-set old man in a double-breasted pinstripe suit. He’d been nursing a pint of Guinness for over an hour and didn’t seem in any hurry to finish it. A typical Monday afternoon, then.

The flickering TV showed an old black and white Tarzan film that had been colourised. I growled in disapproval.

“The Prof hasn’t been seen for five years. Same time as The Brain Salad Murders stopped,” I said.

The press had given the murders a typically colourful name, as if they weren’t lurid enough. Murders were ten a penny in The City, of course, but these caused a stir like no other.

The fact that the victims were all powerful, rich, old blokes probably had a lot to do with that. Every one was a big shot. Bankers, judges, media moguls. Even Police Commissioner O’ Neil. Every cop in The City had been told to make it a priority. And let every other one of The City’s crime victims help themselves.

Professor Galimova – a nutjob that had been fired from The City University for “an undisclosed matter” – sent a letter to The City Gazette confessing to the crimes and saying that he was on a mission to harvest The City’s corrupt souls. But, shortly afterwards, the murders suddenly stopped and it was assumed that Galimova had been killed. Until now.

I rubbed my eyes again. Yawned.

***

            The beast roared and shards and slivers of pain sliced through his flesh.

            The slivers became a throb. And the throb faded to silence.

            A stillness consumed him.

            A calming darkness.

            And the sea of sleep enfolded him.

            Until the chill night, when bathed in the milk of the moon, he raged.

            And he roared.

***

“Duffy, can I have the key to the back room? I’ll be canoodling with Morpheus any minute,” I said.

“Sure.” He handed me the big brass key.

Duffy’s spare room was Spartan, to say the least. A simple single bed. A table. A chair. And a bottle of Dark Valentine. I opened the bottle and took a swig, switched off the light and plonked down onto the bed.

I could hear an Al Green tune playing in the bar and was heading into the void when I heard a voice.

“Perhaps you would like a bedtime story, Detective Dalton.”

I wrenched my eyes open. Let them adjust to the dark.

Sat at the table was the old guy from the bar. He poured a shot of DV into a tumbler and sipped.

“My name is Professor Galimova. I believe that you are aware of my reputation?”

“Yeah, and you look kinda familiar,” I said, sitting up.

I held out my hand and he passed me the bottle of booze.

“Well, that’s nice to know. I’m sure you have infected many since your transformation. I assumed we’d all blurred into one.”

“We …?”

I took a swig of DV.

“Oh,” I said, twigging what the Prof was talking about.

“Yes, ‘oh’,” said The Professor, with a smirk.

“When?”

“Six months ago, of course. I was about to harvest your old friend Ton Ton Philippe, in fact, when I was set upon by a wild beast. You.”

“So that’s why you stopped …”

“Harvesting? Yes.”

“And now you’re back?”

“Indeed. I tried to cleanse myself of your disease, but to no avail. So I accepted that the affliction is, in fact, a gift and decided to return to The City to continue my work. But with an added strength when the moon is full, of course.”

He chuckled.

“So, cheers to you, Detective Dalton,” he said. He finished off his drink.

“Na zdrowia,” I said.

I took another mouthful of DV.

The Professor grinned, stood and walked out the door.

So, the worst serial killer in The City’s history was back. Stronger and more powerful than ever. And I was responsible.

I shuffled my stiff body off the bed and prepared to follow Galimova, but then I thought of the particular demographic of The Professor’s victims.

The crème de la crème here in The City. They’d be sitting ducks for a werewolf serial killer, for sure.

And then I lay back down and went to sleep.

***

The City’s neon-drenched, sin-soaked streets and alleyways called to him.

            The silver moon sang a seductive refrain.

            And The Professor was again consumed with a hunger.

            A hunger for the corrupt.

 

THE END

(c) Paul D. Brazill

Carcass at The Flash Fiction Offensive

FFO BADGE 2017OUT OF THE GUTTER ONLINE’S FLASH FICTION OFFENSIVE have kicked off their GUTTERAL SCREAMS series of  Halloween yarns with a slice of Punk Fiction from me called CARCASS.

Ava drove her battered, old Ford Escort to the edge of the forest and parked beneath a pine tree. As she sat and watched the autumn rain batter the windscreen, she listened to the Siouxsie and The Banshees CD that Martin had given her for her birthday’

You can read the rest HERE.

13 Shots Of Noir only 69c!

Out Now: 13 Shots Of Noir by Paul D BrazillAs part of UNTREED READS‘ Halloween sale,  my flash fiction collection  13 SHOTS OF NOIR is only 69c for the next couple of days.

Grab it here.

And check out the rest of the sale.

30% OFF All Mysteries
Up to 50% Off Paperbacks, Hardcovers and Large Print
Prefer a printed book to keep you grounded in the mortal realm? We’ve got a great selection of paperbacks, hardcovers and large print titles at prices so good…they’re scary!’

 

#FRIDAY FLASH: THUMP!

THUMP.

 

There.

 

THUMP.

 

There it is again.

 

THUMP.

 

I told you. No, shh. Listen . . .

 

THUMP.

 

Did you hear? Listen. No ….

 

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.

 

There! You must have heard that!

 

THUMP.

 

See, I told you but you didn’t believe me, did you? She’s down there.

 

Of course I’m sure it’s her.

 

What do you mean?

 

Eh?

 

It stands to reason doesn’t it? When was the last time you saw her, eh?

 

THUMP.

 

See, what I reckon is … Shhh! Toby’s coming back. Neck that and let’s get a couple more pints in while he’s here.

 

How’s the match, Toby? Aye… Aye. Well there’s still time ,eh? Game of two halves and all that.

 

Yeah a couple more pints of Nelson please Toby … Ta.

 

Many in the other room? Oh, aye, him. Well he’s attached to the place like it’s an umbilical cord, eh? Tight as a gnats twat, though, eh?

 

Ta much.

 

Good CD this. Love a bit of Simple Minds, me. Could you turn it up a bit before you go back, Toby. Ta.

 

Aye, pain in the arse having to go outside for a cig but what can we do eh? The law’s the law.

 

Oh, ey Toby. Keith here was asking after your Lisa. Said he hasn’t seen her for a bit. I said a bit of what? Ha, ha …

 

Ey, ey, ey!

 

Ey, only joking mate. Sorry! No offence. Just making conversation, like.

 

Aye.

 

She still in Jockland then?

 

Aye, well as long as she’s alight then. Yeah. Yeah.

 

Aye.

 

Aye.

 

Aye, we’ll give you a shout if anyone comes in.

 

Right.

 

Shh. . . Wait . . .

 

Right.

 

THUMP.

 

See. Told you. It’s her, Keith.

 

It is.

 

Think about it. She was always hanging around here in them jeans so tight you could read her lips. You could see Toby’s face when anyone tried chatting her up.

 

Aye, only natural. But you know, the little green – eyed idol and that …

 

What? But she hasn’t been in for …

 

… Yeah, I know. I know he said she’s off with her aunt in Scotland but it’s not what I heard.  I heard she was banging that Gypsy bloke that was sniffing around her and .. .

 

Yeah, I know. Only sixteen, but old enough to bleed old enough to breed, eh?

 

THUMP. THUMP.

 

Now you must have heard that?

 

See, that Gypsy bloke, you remember him, all gold, tattoos and hairy arms? Aye. Pentagon medallion dangling round his neck.

 

That’s the lad….

 

Shhh … Ahh, Don’t You Forget About Me… this is the stuff… Simple Minds biggest hit, you know? Broke them in the US of A …

 

Yeah, well Toby was ever so protective, eh? That lad must have been forty if he was a day…

 

May to December relationships, eh? Call it what you want Keith, I doubt Toby was too impressed. They reckon he covered Lisa’s neck with some nasty love bites … Yeah, she was smitten and that. Walking around like she was hypnotised. Spaced out, like…

 

Nah, doubt she touches the wacky backy, all fitness and health and safety, her.

 

Anyway,  I reckon that he’s got her down there like that Fritz bloke in Austria. Remember him? Had his young un locked up in the basement for donkeys years?

 

Probably banging her himself. Can’t say I blame him, mind you …ey, ey, no need for you to get all touchy as well … only a bit of a …

 

What? Go where? The filth? Grass him up?

 

Not on your nelly, Keith. I’m many things but I am not a grass. Anyway, I think they’re still looking for me for that B&E at the gas works. Nah, you see, I’ve  got a  …

 

Hold on … Wait for the next song to start. . .

 

THUMP.

 

See?

 

THUMP.

 

See?

 

Ahh, Promised You A Miracle. Love this one. Classic.

 

Naw, my plan is to get down there after he closes up the pub and see if she’s there, just to be certain, like …. yeah, I’m sure she is … and then phone the press…

 

The papers!

 

You know, The Mirror, The Sun, News Of The Screws and that … and get them down here when we set her free. I reckon we could make a fortune selling the story. Telly. Book deal. Films. The lot, Keith. The lot.

 

What? The lock? Do you know who you’re talking, to Keith?

 

Piece of piss. Easy peasey, Japenesey. We get in through those double cellar doors at the back of the pub. The ones that the brewery use to deliver the booze.

 

Yes!

 

He’s only got a daft padlock on there, I can pick that in no time, you know that.

 

Yeah, we’ll do it tomorrow might after he closes up.

 

* * *

 

You tosser. I can’t …

 

Of course we need a friggin torch. I left me night vision goggles at home … nah, that was a joke, Keith. Honestly some people …

 

Well, at least we’ve got that full moon dangling  there. Should give us a bit of light …

 

A what? A gibbons moon? If you like, Keith, if you like…

 

Right, now slowly, slowly  .. shh, don’t wannna frighten .. . Jeesus, you reek. How many slices of that garlic bread did you tuck into?

 

Nah, can’t stand the stuff. Don’t like foriegn food, do I?

 

Right here we go. Steady on the ladders. Soon as we see her we phone Col at The Gazette.

 

THUMP.

 

What was that?

 

THUMP.

 

Ehh? Sounded like a bird flapping around?

 

THUMP.

 

… yeah … maybe a scream … sure of … Yeah, I can see it.

 

THUMP.

 

Hold on, it’s landed in the corner… who the …?

 

Nahh, it’s her. It’s Lisa… well of course it’s her.

Alright, Lisa love, only  me and Keith … eh up!

 

Lisa, love, don’t you think you should get some clobber on? Eh, Lisa? Bit nippy down here for …

 

Ey, you’re eyes don’t half look red … What the fu… Lisa, no offence, normally I’d love a snog but …

 

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.

 

Ey, Keith, where the fuck are you scarpering to? Get your neck back here …

 

Aw jeez, Lisa! No … please!

 

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.

 

Aaaaaaah!

 

THUMP.

 

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.

 

THUMP.

(THUMP! first appeared at Thrillers, Killers N Chillers)